Paradise Lost – and Forgotten

Sorry about not blogging for two straight months. I’ve been in this weird limbo where I just haven’t really had anything to say. I’m not one to talk just for the sake of talking. I’m not that infatuated with my own voice… Anyway, here I am again with some more dark and happy thoughts.

I’ve been reconnecting with old friends via FaceBook lately, and I’m starting to really understand that my youth is all gone. Bye bye. I’m 35 years old – and that’s pretty much middle-aged. GASP! It’s weird, because I don’t FEEL any different than when I was 25 – other than the obvious, physical changes. If anything, I feel MORE alive, more free to be me, have more options and more understanding than I did a decade ago. I certainly have more authority over myself and my life than ever before and I am taken more seriously by other people than ever before.

So, why am I sad about the loss of my youth?

Looking back inevitably leads to looking forward. I know that every year that goes by puts me closer and closer to the hard truth that I will probably never have children. I don’t want to accept that, and so I try to pretend that I’m not REALLY getting any older. What’s that Mr. Biological Clock? I can’t hear you! That was working pretty well for me until all these old friends started popping up with pictures of their adorable, smiling children. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy for them (I’m not some bitter, angry person wishing them harm). It’s just a constant reminder of something I’ve worked very hard to live in denial about.

Also, I’ve always been a “live in the here and now” sort of person, so all these trips down nostaglia avenue have been forcing me to think of life linearly, which makes everything seem strange and foriegn. And, geesh, EVERYBODY seems to remember my birthday, my parents’ names, my favorite soft drink, that crazy outfit I used to wear, etc. and I’m all like “And you are…?” I try to chalk it up to the fact that I went to 3 different high schools, and was involved in band, chorus, drama, and various clubs at all three of them – let’s face it, I met a LOT of people, how am I expected to remember you? What, we dated for 6 months? Really? Um…

Maybe that’s the hardest part for me – there’s so much of my youth that I don’t remember. So many people, so many events, so much STUFF that I just don’t remember. It’s either blocked out by the grace of God (and I believe some of it is) or I was just so self-involved that I didn’t pay attention to anyone else.

Well, anyway – here’s a nice long blog to make up for the 2 months of silence! I’d love for you to share any souvenirs from your trips down memory lane!

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One Response

  1. My dear friend… I was very touched by the candor of your post. Here are some thoughts…

    You may have been self-absorbed AND hiding from real relationships in your younger years (what teenager isn’t???), but you obviously made an impact on the lives of others or they wouldn’t remember so much about you. You were touching lives even before you allowed God to touch yours… just think how much MORE of an impact your presence makes in the lives of others now that you are God-absorbed and seeking real relationships! I know that you have certainly touched my life and that of my children.

    So, speaking of children… I won’t pretend to know the pain of not having children when you want them. Nor will I pat you on the back and tell you it’ll all be okay. But what I will say is this… you may not have biological children of your own, but my two boys love you like you are family. They value you in a multitude of ways, and believe in their hearts that you “own” them in your own heart. And they are not alone in that… I have not seen a more loving, proud, and devoted aunt than you are to your brother’s three children. They are so fortunate to have you. So what I’m saying, my dear, is that all FIVE of these kids will love you, hold your hand, and call you their own all the days of your life… you will not be alone.

    And I agree with you on the sobriety that comes with looking back… one can see the path they have trodden and think, “Wow. I have REALLY come a long way from that place.” Seeing that seems to make it easier to be able to say with real gusto, “Carpe Diem!” Mostly because we have experienced enough of life to know what it is to fail to seize the day, and we have enough left of life not to want to miss those new opportunities around the bend.

    I’m glad you’re blogging again… keep it up!!!

    Love you much.

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