Sorry about not blogging for two straight months. I’ve been in this weird limbo where I just haven’t really had anything to say. I’m not one to talk just for the sake of talking. I’m not that infatuated with my own voice… Anyway, here I am again with some more dark and happy thoughts.
I’ve been reconnecting with old friends via FaceBook lately, and I’m starting to really understand that my youth is all gone. Bye bye. I’m 35 years old – and that’s pretty much middle-aged. GASP! It’s weird, because I don’t FEEL any different than when I was 25 – other than the obvious, physical changes. If anything, I feel MORE alive, more free to be me, have more options and more understanding than I did a decade ago. I certainly have more authority over myself and my life than ever before and I am taken more seriously by other people than ever before.
So, why am I sad about the loss of my youth?
Looking back inevitably leads to looking forward. I know that every year that goes by puts me closer and closer to the hard truth that I will probably never have children. I don’t want to accept that, and so I try to pretend that I’m not REALLY getting any older. What’s that Mr. Biological Clock? I can’t hear you! That was working pretty well for me until all these old friends started popping up with pictures of their adorable, smiling children. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy for them (I’m not some bitter, angry person wishing them harm). It’s just a constant reminder of something I’ve worked very hard to live in denial about.
Also, I’ve always been a “live in the here and now” sort of person, so all these trips down nostaglia avenue have been forcing me to think of life linearly, which makes everything seem strange and foriegn. And, geesh, EVERYBODY seems to remember my birthday, my parents’ names, my favorite soft drink, that crazy outfit I used to wear, etc. and I’m all like “And you are…?” I try to chalk it up to the fact that I went to 3 different high schools, and was involved in band, chorus, drama, and various clubs at all three of them – let’s face it, I met a LOT of people, how am I expected to remember you? What, we dated for 6 months? Really? Um…
Maybe that’s the hardest part for me – there’s so much of my youth that I don’t remember. So many people, so many events, so much STUFF that I just don’t remember. It’s either blocked out by the grace of God (and I believe some of it is) or I was just so self-involved that I didn’t pay attention to anyone else.
Well, anyway – here’s a nice long blog to make up for the 2 months of silence! I’d love for you to share any souvenirs from your trips down memory lane!